So I'm meant to be going on an expedition to the united states, all northern hemisphere-like. It all began with the invitation of "come visit" and "there's the wedding" and "you've never been" and "whilst you're young". All a great plan. All in November last year. He was all "yeah! so must do, can do!" I was unsure, it being a really big trip and lots of dollars. But all the "yeah! so must do, can do!" was persistent.. until a couple of weeks ago. Hints of "uh-oh" and frowny worried faces. And then a couple of days ago, after lots of frowny faces, furrowed brows and teary eyes, it was "nope, don't think so", "probably no" and when shoved off the cliff, "Okay. No. Can't okay!" And there it was all those days, hours and months of building "oh wow!" and" that would be cools", shattered.

Still not quite sure how to react. I think I've been rational and reaction has been proportionate to disappointment and hurt. The reason, dollars, given is valid. My gripe is with the non-realism, non-forward planning and short-sightedness. Don't say yes until you're sure. That's all there is to it. "I didn't think" really don't cut the mustard. "I wasn't sure" does no favours either. I don't like being disappointed, and leaving me in a cess pool of bubbling, flesh-eating disappointment because of almost three months of "yeah! so must, can do" that's gone rotten really sucks stinky icky bum.

Then bright spark that I am thinks to invite friends to be spontaneous to come with on the adventure of adventure-ness that is the whinge-filled mess of travelling with me. All hopes up the mast and flying, maybe a good friend will be a decent travel companion. Laughs, stupidity and the like. Stomped on the head by parentals. No. No. Must not. Must not. No. No. "Oh you think carefully girl". And the "how well do you know these people" lines. The annoyed rantings and family expectations. The "one thing but another" lines.

Too low and too high and too low again too damned quick. My brain wants a break. My heart wants a break. The eternal sleep seemingly distant. Maybe I should just be alone. Completely. No words, no sound, no people, no views, no argument, no pain, no tears, no disappointment, no "No"s, no confusion, no debate. Just me. No smiles, no giggles, no laughs, no happiness?

Simple decisions, complicated by feelings, complicated by expectations, complicated by perception, complicated by people.

Poop.