3:31 pm

I got a message on facebook from someone I haven't spoken to in a while. It was unexpected. I can't quite use "surprise" - in my world it implies positivity. This wasn't particularly charged with neither positivity or negativity - it was just plain unexpected. It made me think for a little bit. Was he someone I wanted in my circle of friends? The term friend is used so loosely these days - you meet someone, you talk to them a little, you don't find them particularly detestable.. Viola! They're now your friend. Adding a person as a friend on facebook doesn't seem like such a huge gesture, but it make me wonder if he was someone I really wanted to be friends with.

I thought better of it. Someone that made me learn what betrayal feels like is not someone I want to be friends with. Not even on an impersonal level like an online community. There it is. I didn't think of it before; I thought we could be friends - not the close kind, but still friends. I've realised that some choices aren't good for me, even if I make them with the best intentions. I don't have to be that big a person and try to make sure the other party doesn't feel too guilty. He doesn't deserve to be a part of my life in any capacity. Betrayal is not something I will forget. I'm proud and too damned stubborn.

I've learnt a lot about myself in the last couple of years. I'm not that much clearer about what I want, but I have learnt about what's good for me, and what I deserve.

I've probably said it all before, but I'm re-learning to believe I deserve to be happy. Surrounding myself with anything other than what's condusive to my happiness is no longer something I will consciously subject myself to.

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