Funny how clarity takes time. Everything takes time, and quite obviously, understanding, learning and the gaining of perspective and clarity takes time. And when it's all about you, it takes so bloody much more time - all the non-denial and all the non-denial really just makes the tick-tick-tick happen all the quicker.

I've taken to thinking about the relationships I have with people and what they mean to me. The relationships, not just the people. Least to say it hasn't been easy being brutally honest with myself. Strange how it's easy to be honest with people that aren't living in my brain. I'm not quite sure how the thought process works, but it's harder.. lots.

I questioned some of the friendships that I thought myself to have and realized they weren't really friendships - not the "real" kind anyway. I don't profess to be a person with many "friends", but I care deeply about the ones I do have and feel strongly about maintaining those relationships. It's strange being open with yourself about why you associate with different people, and being honest about how those relationships make you feel. I need to learn not to have relationships with people because their sorry state makes me feel better about myself. There's never anything to be gained by being around someone because I feel better about me because I know I'm better than they are. Sure there's those moments of superiority, but what's the point? No point comparing yourself to the less than average or average. Old story of the why aim to be nothing when you can be anything you want to be. I'm going to do everything I can to leave that all behind in the pile of fat, ugly, try-hard dust.

The friendships I do value. I need to learn to invest more in them. I've taken a lot recently, and I appreciate the smiles and food binges, laughs and debates about everything but nothing. They'll be more face time, more coffees, more me observing your alcohol consumption whilst making evil snide comments about taking the stupid high road, more skips down the jaded cobblestones of the present. I'll even get off my arse and stop being a fat lump and go to the gym more regularly.

Here's to tomorrow.

2 Responses to "learning what you don't need"

  1. Ellen Says:

    Hi Clara,
    Popping in to say hello and sending you a hug :)
    I'm sorry to read about Kat.Hope she's having fun with other kitties in cat-heaven :)

  2. as clara is Says:

    Hey Ellen!

    Miss you heaps :) Thanks for your kind words about Kat. It's still strange not having her around. I'm sure she's bossing the other kitties about it cat heaven :D

    Feel like visiting? Or even better meet me in the US somewhere ;)

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