Thinking is often frightful. The spirals, convulsions and clarity leave minds in tatters. I've had a lot of free time on my hands since leaving my last job. Thankfully I no longer quest for the reason for my existance the the big question of "the meaning of life". I think I might have found my answer at the ripe old age that I am. I'm not all that sure when I began to really seek my answer, it feels like a long time ago. I only ever mentally dabbled in creative ways of ending my very mortal life; I'm not sure if I was too scared or never really cared enough to have a go - possibly I was just too damned smart.

The word depression has been thrown around so much both lately. Everyone from four year-olds to middle aged housewives are cliaming they're depressed. I cannot deny I've thought it, and tried to put myself in that box, to explain my train of thought and how I feel about myself. Square peg, round hole. I'd like to think I'm not depressed, I've yet to find myself in a state that I would say indicates clinical depression. I'm simply struggling to find my way, to want more. Really want. The really hunger and passion that I've yet to discover. Not motivation or greed. I truly struggle to explain why it is I'm searching for, I want things like everyone wants things - better self-image, material objects, to be happy - but all that isn't the "it" I'm searching for. There's a bit missing that can't be quantified by the material or intangible quotients that's determined by man and society. Embracing the realm of theory for a very flimsy comparison, the bit I'm questing is what Maslow described as "self-transendence".

Several people have suggested that maybe I should seek professional help to deal with how I feel. I've fought with the notion that I might need help. I don't know that I don't, but I feel quite certain that I don't. There's also little to indicate to me that a state-sanctioned "professional" will make a difference. My mind is my own, and there isn't anything wrong with it. The perspective of someone who is society-qualified as a psychologist or psychiatrist is going to do little to change that. They may provide thought alternatives and suggest means and measures to which they think I may work towards altering my state of mind or perspective, but ultimately the mechanism for change is within me. I've thought of the need to change myself, but to what end? And for what reason? There isn't anything really wrong with me. I've thought it often enough to know I know it. I have all that I could want in the realm that is. I'm not quantifying in the sense of monetary or material or station. I am grateful and happy for where I am and what I have in this existance - I want for naught, but it's that something I seem to be seeking. I don't know where, I don't know how. I really don't think expensive foster care is going to help.

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