9:36 am

I want to say the last few weeks have been strange, but I'm not sure it's still a view I can still hold. My moods are erratic and might even bother on neurotic. The swing from fine to complete blubby mess. Not sure how to describe it other than a plunge from a great height. It's not like it used to be a gradual slide where I would see it coming and try to smooth out the myraid of emotions before I fall into that scary pit of despair; but it wasn't as much of a switch. I'm fine and then I'm not.

Which is my natural state? Am I just pretending? What's going on? So much but so little going on in my head and ever so often it feels like my world crumbles. It might just be the facade, but it might be my world splitting at the seams. I hate how it affects the people that care about me. When I go there I seem to be doing my hardest to push Tim away from me. I think I love him, like really really, but I can't seem to get it through my thick skull that he might actually care for me too. The cynism is staggering, or it might just be my self-worth sometimes bothers on non-existent. I go to a place where I know I bellieve I don't deserve anyone and I'm not worth anyone's time, let alone their attention. I don't know why it happens, but that sentiment lives in the back of my head and it seems to be manifesting more and more. I don't like it but I don't know how to fix it. I've spent time trying to figure out what's going on and why I feel the way I do and what I can feel about it. So far I've come up with nothing - nothing that seems to work.

I don't want to wallow in my inadequacies and have the world pass me by, and lose a boy that might actually mean what he says. I just don't know what to do. Telling myself to snap out it it really isn't the way to go. I wish it worked, I wish everything else I've ever tried worked.

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