There is a perception that I'm a bit of a "tom-boy" as my folks would describe. It's not a label I would vhemently contest, labels are just as they are words. I get along with blokes well enough. I see myself as a pretty cheery laid-back kinda chick. I'm thinking some of my boy-friendly attributes:

• I'm cool to chill,
• I playing video games,
• drinks on the couch and watching nothing significant on telly is pretty good to me,
• dvds with drinks and greasy goodness finger food.. hmmm
• i'd give most things a go at least once,
• i enjoy (if not will tolerate) most sci fi series,
• checking out a hot chick, mm yeah.

I get along alright with most boys.. until we ended being anything other than just mates. I'm not sure what changes really, but it's like there's a switch flicked and I'm me but completely different. Suddenly doing "not much" just isn't enough, I don't just want your company. I want more. I want you.

I'm entirely sure when it happens. One moment we're good to just have dinner and watch dvds and the next you're in my head all the time. My thoughts gravitate to you regardless of what I seem to be doing. It's a slippery slope from there..

• I'm jealous,
• I need attention,
• I question what the relationship is,
• I question where I want it to go,
• I question what it is my boy sees in me.

The uncertainty disables my mind, my cohesive thought. It scares me.. badly. I don't appreciate the uncertainty. I don't appreciate the fear thaat I perceive to be weakness. I hate that I feel weak and out of control.

I do love how I feel in his company. I love how I'm completely relaxed. I love the subtle little touches we give each other.

I'm not sure I know how to live in my world when I have a boyfriend, a real boyfriend, not one where I kill it before it goes anywhere. The uncertainty disarms me, scares me, intrigues me. My tendency to fixate.. disarms me, scares me, intrigues me.

Me + boyfriend .. I'm still figuring it out. One step at a time.

x Clara