I'm not going to bother editing this post.. I had one of those moments, you know the kind some people might call and epiphany or something similar. Here goes, I was on my usual rack at pilates and as I was quickly approaching a serious amount of tricep fatigue (seriously, I was shaking like a bloody leaf) I thought: "hey it is what it is and the phrase "never regret, never apologize, never explain" is too true".

I've said before that I've learnt a lot about myself these past years. Learnt about what I like, what I don't, what I care about, what I don't, what I'll work on, what I won't, what's of value, what isn't, that kind of thing. I hate to begin with apologies, but some people need that kind of thing, not that they'll ever read this. So here goes: To anyone that might feel that I've hurt them, it was never intentional, or personal. I am and have always been judgemental and critical, of myself and of others when there's time to spare. I make my decisions based on my what my head says, usually compartmentalizing my feelings and blocking them out. It's not like I'm devoid of emotion, I just tend to function more methodically and work on what seems like logic at the time- it really is easier than feeling. I never meant for you to hurt.

In many conversations with good friends, I've said there are too many thoughts running through my head - like a commentary that never stops. Of late, my mind is quiet, a good kind of silence. Sure I think and there are thoughts, but no myraid of freight trains sprinting through. Veiled arrogance wants me to say I've found some sort of peace, but really I think I've just learnt to accept myself. Not just thinking I do, but actually. There's no reason to regret, apologize for or explain the past as long as I've learnt from it. And I definitely have, and I wear my scars and ribbons with pride.

Relationships will always be unchartered waters, no two will ever be alike. All any of us can ever do is to be true to ourselves and whoever it is we're with, if we have to cheat or lie, we've failed ourselves. Friendships that are will last a lifetime, the rest will run their course. I think parents are our safe harbour, as long as we've earned their respect - not as their children, but as people.

Who would have thought serious arm fatigue would get me here. The rest of my body feel like a sack of potatoes - too heavy and lumpy to move, but I know I'm going to smile with my winces over the next couple of days. I'm not unhappy, I'm not happy. I'm just telling it as it is, I just am.

Here on in, no apologies, no explanations and most of all, still no regrets.

Good luck ya'll.

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