My mind is a mess. Not the usual mess of everything of inconsequence, this time it's a mess of thoughts and somehow a blank. I don't know what's happened, the emotions come in waves of sorrow. For whatever reason it all came to a head, I asked the question and I'm not sure what the answer was.

I began to cry and I haven't yet really stopped. I rang my Dad, and bawled down the phone over land and ocean. I questioned everything and myself, and have no answers. I ranted and the tears rolled down my cheeks. I listened but found no answers. I have no answers.

There's rationality and logic, but my heart doesn't listen to any of it. There's trying to make sense of the how and the way, but my heart doesn't care. I feel so lonely. I feel so broken. I feel like there's no longer meaning. I feel so completely alone. I feel like my home has left me and I don't know why. I feel so compelled to remember. I want the past even though I don't understand it.

Where is the sense? I love. I feel like I'm crumbling but I want to hang on. I don't know why, I can't find a reason, all I have is this compulsion. The compulsion that's tearing up my insides but feels like it's my way. I've lost my way and there is no light, but this speck that screams hold on.