Clapping your hands can feel so totally pointless. I think I'm supposed to be happy? Sometimes there's that shimmer of emotion that I think means I'm happy. Dunno. Is "happy" just another word? Like "love"? Completely intangible and subjective?

What makes me happy?

I'm not completely sure. Are they the bits of life that make me smile? The things that I think I want? It's silly that it's all supposed to be subjective. I might be lost in my emotions and unable to differentiate the good from the bad, so everything is flat.

I don't mean to say I don't smile or I feel down all the time. I'm just wondering if I'm actually feeling the positives for what they are or am I just convincing myself that I'm feeling the positives?

A little has happened in the few weeks past: Tim and I had an honest conversation about how we felt, I bought a car on impulse, I got the 5 weeks leave I requested for June and I'm just about to buy those air tickets.

I'm not sure I've experienced the highs I'm supposed to have about all of it. Aren't I meant to have been really happy? Like do a happy-dance happy? Or jump for joy happy? I didn't experience much of it, if any. It's not like I've had negative feelings about it all, I just haven't seem to have the societally defined breadth of emotions about it. I'm not sad or unhappy about it all.. I'm just wondering if things really aren't that much of a "wow" or I'm just having trouble letting myself experience positivity?

I feel the negative. I take it hard. Always too damned hard. Like in-proportionately hard. And my happy spots always feel blase and muted. What does it take for me to really smile? I've pretty damned sick of having to pretend jolly-goodness. That "act happy, be happy" thing really is getting old, and fuck if I know how to fix it.

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