A was strange few months that by some counts may have made it a year, really depends on context. I'm not sure what happened. It was like a circle that turned into a spiral, my infatuation with fixing things. It was by no means a real "we're together" relationship. I say that because it was platonic, but with that bit that makes you just that little bit crazy - a bit too much like going around. I think we could have been pretty good friends.

It was an experience, not a regret, but I know I wouldn't do it again. I learnt a lot, it let me fuck with my mind too much. I have bigger trust issues now than I ever did. I've always been some bit of cynical and maybe a bit too much of cold when I'm scared or don't know what to do next. It's easier to just wallow and shut the world out. I'll come back when I'm ready. It's gone from a general distrust of people to, having serious doubts. Say I have self-esteem or self-worth issues if you will, everyone's got them, everyone doubts themselves sometime, whenever. I have the unfortunate ability to completely envelope myself in doubt and mistrust. It's hard to believe in fidelity. It's hard to believe that I'm enough. The grass is always greener right?

He was a decent friend, possibly even good. Maybe not. I'm trying to be kind, nice even. He fucked with our friendship. He fucked with us being honest with each other. I've managed to let that affect me. I didn't think it did. I suppose I'm not as thick skinned as I thought I was, well I know it. I'm possessive, I'm honest about it. I have a temper, I'm honest about that too. I care about people, I really do, that I don't share very much. I'm not too fond of my weaknesses.

He affected my mind. I don't like that. He's made me doubt myself, I don't like that. I need to remember that men and relationships come and go, but I'm stuck with me. I need to relearn how to leave.

Be upset. Feel the hurt. Get angry. Pack up. Walk away. Know that they didn't deserve me if they couldn't meet my expectations. I need to believe that again. I'm not always going to be here anyway. Second chances don't happen.

1 Response to "one of those life lessons"

  1. So@24 Says:

    whoa... one of the most intense blogs entries i've read

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